Maniacal [common: muh-NEYE-uh-kul, Carole: MAIN-ee-ah-kul]
adj. Of or pertaining to a maniac.

My Carole is as bilingual as one can be in French and English. It’s as if the Leafs and Habs hooked up and had a baby girl. English speakers might be able to detect a slight un-placeable  accent, and French speakers can tell that she is from outside Québec — either Ontario or New Brunswick — but both languages sound native. This is just one of the benefits of being raised in Timmins, a town that is actually trilingual: English, French, and Shania.

Groin [common: GROYN, Carole: GROW-in]
n. The fold where the thighs join the abdomen.

And yet she is utterly mystified by the pronunciation of certain English words. The problem is usually in deciding which syllable to emphasize. French doesn’t stress syllables in the same way as English, and it also has all sorts of little decorative ticks on the letters to aid pronunciation. She’s less likely to use French pronunciation rules on English words the way many francophones do, but that does happen.

Horizon [common: ho-REYE-zun, Carole: HORE-ih-zon]
n. The boundary between the earth and sky.

Most unilingual English speakers also have difficulty with these words, a result of the language’s  near complete disregard for rules when it comes to grammar, spelling, and pronunciation. Even I, the son of a linguist and a librarian, must confess trouble with “eschew”, “salve”, and “facetious”, to name just a few.

Stir [common: STUR, Carole: STEER]
v.t. To move an implement repeatedly through a substance to agitate it.

When Carole stumbles over these, I occasionally try to point out that French is similarly disorganized when it comes to deciding whether to le or la arbitrary nouns, but more often than not I apologize for English’s endless exceptions. She almost always comes close enough to be understandable anyway.

Melancholy [common: MEL-un-call-ee, Carole: mul-ANK-oh-lee]
n. A gloomy state of mind.

Oh dear. Now I’m feeling a little mulankohlee.

Years ago, my brother sent me a flying Astroboy toy from Korea. I never quite figured out what to do with it, but I did look up the instructions online. While cleaning out some old folders this morning, I came across those very instructions:

Of course, Asian folks probably scream with laughter at the instructions we translate for them.

In my opinion, there just aren’t enough manuals featuring the phrase “Til the cowcomes home.”

Strangely, I never did get Astroboy to fly. Prythee, must’ve skipped a tatelage somewhere.

I was perusing the Whitehorse Craigslist real estate listings the other day and came across a real gem in the housing for rent section.

I must first caution that younger readers or those with a sensitive disposition may wish to skip the following paragraph.

CAD400 whitehorse is a (whitehorse)

“whithehorse is a shit hole , i was up there for a couple of months, how can you people live in such a hell hole… wasteland…and the people wow what a bunch of inbreeds, dumb fucks,,,,, clean up what u people call a city…really thats not a city…..dirty little town …fuck u dont even have a kfc….hahahaha,,,sad bunch of indians walking around thinking there something speicial…….. cheers from vancouver island , the best place on earth.”

Leaving aside the matter that this listing omits many of the details one would expect to find in a rental classified — location, size, appliances — the brusque and grammatically-liberated language is unlikely to invite many inquiries.

I do agree with the poster in a least one respect: the lack of a functioning KFC is distressing. Doesn’t seem to be negatively impacting housing prices though.

Not everyone loves our little city in the valley. Personally, I would prefer bigger trees, more precipitation, and the death penalty for ATV drivers. Come to think of it, Vancouver Island can claim at least two out of those three. Maybe that listing writer was onto something.

I’ve given up playing along with the majority consensus: sunny and warm do not a beautiful day make. As far as I’m concerned, you can all take your sun and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

Fortunately, if I can just survive until the middle of this coming week, it’ll be my turn to mindlessly blather about what wonderful weather we’re having. See how you like it.

CBC's forecast for the week.

And to confirm the good news:

The Weather Network's concurring forecast

I’m not going to explain my meteorological preferences other than to say, yet once more, that you’re wrong and I’m right.