iPosture

Whatever device Apple is secretly rushing to market next year — the iSlate, iTablet, iPlank, or my preference, the iJayKay — it won’t be anything I need. Heck, no one actually needs any of the gadgets that the high-tech companies are shilling these days, but we sure want them. Lustrous, kaleidoscopic, cacophonous, expensive — who could resist?

However, in the ongoing matter of Want v. Need, the two parties will stipulate the following: what we don’t want, and what we certainly don’t need, are any more vapid mouth-breathers clogging our sidewalks and stairways while thumbing obliviously on their hand-held “smart” devices.

The troglodytes aren’t completely to blame. To be useful, these devices have to be primed with subscription plans and add-ons. To justify the resulting cost, the devices have to be used, routinely to the point that additional plans and add-ons (there’s an app for that) are inescapable.

Somehow, Bell Mobility’s marketing brochures fail to mention this consequence. It’s as if the term “exorbitant death spiral” never occurred to them.

I’m not immune to the siren call of these pandorean gadgets. I’m simply waiting for a model that is useful without my having to, uh, use it: one that buzzes me awake after I’ve nodded off during a meeting; one that points out the good sandwich places nearby when my stomach grumbles; one that highlights my scarf and toque when the temperature has dropped; one that alerts the authorities after I’ve fallen into a crevasse on a lonely trail; and one that electronically jams the signal of anyone in my vicinity attempting to text, tweet, poke, or telephone.

In other words, a device to make me feel connected, informed, secure, and, yes, more than a little smug.

You won’t find “fifi-i-nini” in any dictionary, not even one for crossword puzzle aficionados. Suffice to say, it means “finished” in some French Canadian vernaculars. Also, it’s a terribly satisfying way to announce the completion of a lengthy challenge:

Hey! No peeking.

Carole and I slaved away into the wee hours Saturday night, but it wasn’t until this afternoon that we pencilled-in Calder Trophy-winner “rookie” for the final clue.

The solution will be published in The Globe and Mail on January 2nd.

Christmas morning: brew coffee, open presents, call umpteen relatives down south.

Apparently others keep the same schedule as “all of our circuits are busy” was all we heard from the telephone yesterday morning.

So, we cranked up Skype on the computer (we have a $30/year Skype Out plan which lets us call any US or Canada phone number) and subsequently paid NorthwesTel a grand total of $0 for about two hours’ worth of holiday chatter. The Ottawa call suffered from considerable delay and echo, but the other calls were as clear as a regular phone.

From this, I can make two observations:

1. We need a computer that’s as easy to turn on as a telephone. (Or Skype To Go for Canada.)
2. All we want from the telcos is for them to ship our bits. If they won’t drop their ridiculous and complex plans, we’ll just move to ones-and-zeros traffic until they’ve no choice.

For all those planning to ask me to fix their computers this holiday season, please read this wonderful parable.

And if you really do want your computer to run fast:

• Stop using Internet Explorer.
• Stop downloading crap.
• Keep the kids away from your computer.
• Buy as much RAM as you can cram into the thing.
• Keep a selection of nut-free cookies on hand for when I turn up to work on your computer anyway.

I’ve spent the past hour virtually touring Prague. Much more interesting and seamless than Google Street View: www.360cities.net/prague-18-gigapixels

See if you can spot:

• smoking dude with lemon drink and little white dog (hint: circle to the east),
• smiling boy hanging from bars surrounding the ball court (due west),
• garden oasis above the abandoned and graffiti-splattered tour operator (just past the hanging boy), or
• sweethearts gamboling through the park (forested park to the north).

Sorry, no prizes for finding any of that, but there is some sort of treasure hunt going on within the photograph.

I love the central courtyard design of housing blocks in Old Europe. Must be noisy though. I wonder if they outlaw elevators to limit the building heights. Shame about the satellite dishes everywhere.