April third! iPad day! Or, iPad day for those in the States. Or, iPad day for those so infatuated with the latest Apple gewgaw that they’re willing to fly down to Seattle and stand in line in the rain at 2:00am. What’s the duty-free limit for a 48-hour trip again?

I’m not likely to have an iPad anytime soon. I haven’t even laid eyes on an iPhone yet. But I have the sneaking suspicion that iPads and other ersatzPads will be a hit with casual internet users.

Notice I didn’t say “computer users”: no one wants to use a computer – people just want to do internet stuff. The Start bar and caps lock and Are You Sure? popups can all go to hell. The iPad-style interface, as limited as it is, has simplicity working for it. Technology geeks generally don’t appreciate simplicity, but my mom does.

There’s the argument for the iPad right there: no more calls from back home asking about missing files and uninstalled device drivers. Sign me up.

But I suppose I should at least wait until someone invents an iTriangle to rest the thing on. Oh wait, someone already did.

iPosture

Whatever device Apple is secretly rushing to market next year — the iSlate, iTablet, iPlank, or my preference, the iJayKay — it won’t be anything I need. Heck, no one actually needs any of the gadgets that the high-tech companies are shilling these days, but we sure want them. Lustrous, kaleidoscopic, cacophonous, expensive — who could resist?

However, in the ongoing matter of Want v. Need, the two parties will stipulate the following: what we don’t want, and what we certainly don’t need, are any more vapid mouth-breathers clogging our sidewalks and stairways while thumbing obliviously on their hand-held “smart” devices.

The troglodytes aren’t completely to blame. To be useful, these devices have to be primed with subscription plans and add-ons. To justify the resulting cost, the devices have to be used, routinely to the point that additional plans and add-ons (there’s an app for that) are inescapable.

Somehow, Bell Mobility’s marketing brochures fail to mention this consequence. It’s as if the term “exorbitant death spiral” never occurred to them.

I’m not immune to the siren call of these pandorean gadgets. I’m simply waiting for a model that is useful without my having to, uh, use it: one that buzzes me awake after I’ve nodded off during a meeting; one that points out the good sandwich places nearby when my stomach grumbles; one that highlights my scarf and toque when the temperature has dropped; one that alerts the authorities after I’ve fallen into a crevasse on a lonely trail; and one that electronically jams the signal of anyone in my vicinity attempting to text, tweet, poke, or telephone.

In other words, a device to make me feel connected, informed, secure, and, yes, more than a little smug.

“Because there’s nothing more valuable than a used computer book.”

I took the measuring tape for a spin and it turns out that I have 27 linear feet of computer books weighing down various bookcases around the house. Every year, I try to eliminate at least a foot or two from my collection — chiefly to make space for the new arrivals.

In years past, I’ve not-so-secretly stashed these discards in random cases throughout the College. This season, I’m offering the following titles to anyone that wants them. I will deliver within town, and, if you ask nicely, may even ship them to your not-so-far-away address. Otherwise, they’ll go straight into the bin the next time I’m down at Raven.

Java

Ah, Java: duly-celebrated successor to COBOL. So much promise to those of us mired in the Visual Basiocrity of the early 90s.

• Java Servlet Programming 2^ed
• JavaServer Pages
• Thinking in Java
• Java Threads
• Java Tools for eXtreme Programming
• Mastering AspectJ: Aspect-Oriented Programming in Java
• Data Abstraction and Problem Solving with Java: Walls and Mirrors

Ruby on Rails

There are bandwagons, and then there is Ruby on Rails. But I’m now aboard the latest wagon.

• Rails Recipes
• Rails Solutions: Ruby on Rails Made Easy
• Rails for PHP Developers
• Ruby for Rails

Security

When was I ever that interested in SSL?

• SSL and TLS: Designing and Building Secure Systems
• SSL and TLS Essentials: Securing the Web
• Intrusion Detection with Snort
• Real 802.11 Security: Wi-Fi Protected Access and 802.11i
• Web Security, Privacy & Commerce
• Hacking Exposed: Web Applications
• Web Hacking: Attacks and Defense

Miscellaneous Programming

• Advanced PHP Programming
• The Definitive Guide to Django: Web Development Done Right (I’m reading the 2^nd edition now)

Miscellaneous Computer Stuff

• Windows XP Hacks
• The Rational Unified Process: An Introduction 2^ed (Oh Gawd.)
• Exim: The Mail Transfer Agent

Not a computer enthusiast? Most will also serve as wonderful, though potentially blue flame inducing, fire starter.

Computer programmers, rejoice! With 2010 nearly upon us, we can celebrate that all of the fundamental problems in computer science have been put to rest.

What’s that, you say? Try a search for “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” on the Roger Ebert page of the Chicago Sun Times site? Well, okay…

Only 22 more years until Casablanca premières.

So, searching for a very specific film title matches the intended review on the penultimate line of the third and last page of results, while adding a surplus century to the date. Oh, and articles that aren’t reviews are displayed as though they were very bad reviews.

Attaboy!

Update, October 16th

Looks like the Sun Times wunderkinder fixed it, apparently by rolling back to the old search code.

Ignoring my pledge to buy an Apple Macintosh, I yellow-bellied my way to the Dell site last April and bought one of their unstylish yet bell-and-whistlesome models. Yes, I am weak. But at half the price of the comparable Mac, I saved enough for that spine and guts transplant I’d always wanted.

For three months, all was peaches and edible oil based dessert topping. Not two weeks before I was scheduled to leave the territory for the entire summer, the screen goes black. The kind of hazy green-tinged black that suggests nothing but frustration and expense.

The diagnosis, from my College colleagues who have fixed a broken computer or two, was that the screen backlight had blown. Prognosis: I would be sending it back to Dell.

Yet with days to go before my trip, I figured it best to lug it with me and deal with Customer Support once I arrived in one of the big cities on the itinerary. Decades of computing experience has led me to despise customer “support,” so postponing that hassle was okay-fine by me.

Following several further postponements, I sat down with my computer, the telephone, a pen, my purchase invoice and warranty documents, and steeled myself for a couple of hours of intense “support.”

After a few introductory explanations and the reading of many multi-digit numbers across the line, Sunjit, my support technician, said “Sounds like the backlight. We’ll ship a box for you to return it in this afternoon.”

Really? They do that? I had assumed that I’d be responsible for “all packaging, shipping, and unexplained ancillary costs.” I was also flabbergasted to find that my warranty was for a full year, rather than the typical ninety days.

I thanked Sunjit profusely, and, later that afternoon, packed up my laptop in the box that arrived just as promised. It was shipped back less than a week later, with a fully restored screen and everything else just as I had left it (including my non-supported Linux dual-boot setup).

I have recommended Dell to others for years, and will continue to do so after this episode. I have heard horror stories of Dell support and product quality, but only anecdotally or on the web — if it’s spellchecked, it must be true. My experience continues to be positive. Good on ya, Mike.