This “This Little Piggy” Glove Manifests Five Counts of Fail

20140422.tuesday   comments=nil   tickle_trunk  

You just knew it would take something of real significance to force me to blog after a nearly-two-year hiatus. And this is that something:

Seems innocent, no? A cute multicoloured glove with a story book sewn into the palm. Perfect for reciting the age-old nursery rhyme to captivated little ones.

But aren’t the little piggies supposed to be recited upon one’s toes?

Ignoring that slight miscalculation (in truth, a book fashioned for the sole of one’s foot is best marketed to the yoga crowd), we turn to the first page:

Off to a seemingly good start. Happy piggies. Oh sure, the yellow collar on the first piggy and the red bow on the second piggy makes me uneasy for some reason, but I’ll let that slide for now.

On to the next page:

Cookies? COOKIES?!? Piggies don’t eat cookies! They eat Roast $#@&* Beef! Gruesome as it might be, everybody understands that. And it’s not like these particular piggies happen to be vegan or anything, because that leftmost piggy is clearly downing his cookies with exploited-bovine milk.

(In the universe of the beef-eating piggies, what do you suppose the cows eat? Shark fin and chilean sea bass gumbo with white rhino horn sprinkles?)

And that next piggy, to quote the author of this travesty, “had fun.” Oh no he didn’t. That next stinkin’ piggy had “none”. No roast beef. No cookies. No nuthin’ is what that piggy done had, as punishment for some unmentioned piggy transgression.

So, we’re piling on the piggy fail here, and yet the neckwear — a purple string tie followed by the green bow tie — is still unsettling.

One final page:

Seemingly a minor detail, that last piggy is usually said to have “cried” wee wee wee all the way home. He — or she, apparently — didn’t just vacantly “say” Ned Beatty’s line. Wikipedia’s got the facts.

And yet that white lace around the neck of the last piggy is again somehow unnerving. Oh, I see, the piggy shirts and neck accoutrement from the book match the piggies on the fingers. But this last green-attired piggy corresponds to the thumb of the glove. Which means… THEY’VE GOT THE PIGGIES BACKWARDS! The “wee wee wee” piggy is supposed to be the pinky toe! Or at least the pinky finger, if it’s gloves on the menu. The entire premise of the story is ruined if you cast the ungainly big-boned thumb in the “wee wee wee” role.

What innocent child would delight in a rhyme featuring a goddamn thumb as the protagonist?

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-04-18

20140419.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

  • All of my toddler's tantrums may be explained as "the situation as presented does not conform to my precise, unspoken, specifications." 2014-04-16
  • I will never understand the newfangled ways the youth of today decide to sport their ball caps. http://t.co/lqmaze9P9M 2014-04-17

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-04-11

20140412.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

  • So much newborn baby gear both vibrates and plays cheezy tunes. It's like rafting through the Its a Small Word ride on a magic fingers bed. 2014-04-05
  • I don’t always eat pork rinds, but when I do, I prefer to imagine a time before I was eating pork rinds. Stay greasy, my friends. 2014-04-10
  • I'm browsing a catalogue of wood screws. I'm bored. Not nearly as bored as the poor sod who posted the screw photographs in the first place. 2014-04-10

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-04-04

20140405.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

  • I am forever amazed that humans build and then play things this complex. It's as if a mystical force is at work. http://t.co/Ab6W85HI3Q 2014-03-30
  • RT @KatieSimpson24: New anti-Ford poster 3 #topoli #robford http://t.co/fIxKPArGbB 2014-04-01
  • Best CBC News line of the morning: "How did a dispute at a local gas station end up in the Prime Minister's Office?" 2014-04-03
  • Know this, online retailers: If you don't ship to Yukon or PO boxes, I will count the days until I can get it from Amazon, which does both. 2014-04-03
  • I put the boy's repeat-what-you-say-in-a-high-pitch toy next to the radio during a Harper speech. I, for one, welcome our chipmunk overlord. 2014-04-03

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-03-28

20140329.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

  • That was supposed to be MY recliner! http://t.co/ms1s2x0sXI 2014-03-23
  • Just what did parents give toddlers to nourish/distract them before Cheerios were invented? 2014-03-24
  • I am not proud of the two separate times that I have found myself driving the Alaska Highway with one hand firmly wedged in a Pringles tube. 2014-03-24
  • If they leave and don't return, they weren't yours. If they get their foot stuck in the door, they're yours forever. http://t.co/Sg7CbjT1Kb 2014-03-28

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-03-07

20140308.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-02-28

20140301.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

  • Wrenched a tooth eating maple taffy from the Cabane à sucre at @YukonRendezvous yesterday. All in all, much cheaper than orthodontic work. 2014-02-23
  • Why does it require so much intelligence to realize that you're a complete moron? 2014-02-23

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-02-21

20140222.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-02-14

20140215.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

What He Tweeted for the week ending 2014-02-07

20140208.saturday   comments=nil   twitterings  

  • Turns out I can watch the Super Bowl on my phone. By "watch", I mean "squint at". Go tiny brightly-coloured guys that I can almost see! 2014-02-02
  • It's now February 3rd, so Groundhog Day did not repeat. Just as well, since who would want to watch that #SuperBowl all over again? 2014-02-03
  • Our family doctor's website refers you to the phonebook for contact information. How quaint. http://t.co/i48BNMd0mZ 2014-02-03
  • RT @stevesilberman: I will never be able to unsee this horrific image. Curse you, Internet! http://t.co/FyHq07oKzc 2014-02-04
  • Oh so dramatic video of Yukon's balloon launch into space featuring Simon P. as the supercool payload scientist. http://t.co/Q77DRbCAEQ 2014-02-05
  • A budget sick day activity: Wall of Death in a salad spinner. http://t.co/gsFUf2LTs2 2014-02-05
  • Youpi! Yet another Fils du Yukon is arriving this July. Here's a snapshot of the little feller from Christmas Eve. http://t.co/AFSnq2F15i 2014-02-05
  • "This hand-washed mug is still dirty, better put it in the dishwasher." "This mug from the dishwasher is still dirty, better hand wash it." 2014-02-06
  • For Canadian Olympics fans, CBC looks like it'll do a bang up job compared to what's available in other countries. http://t.co/FuKLUtxNnW 2014-02-06
  • Looking forward to the crowd's reaction when the Ukrainian team enters the stadium. #Sochi2014 2014-02-07
  • …trouble is, because of the Cyrillic alphabet, I'm not sure when Ukraine will make its appearance. #Sochi2014 2014-02-07
  • Thanks to a combo father-son sick day, we can watch the #Sochi2014 opening ceremony on CBC's online streaming video. Working great so far. 2014-02-07
  • I'm confident those lace-doily-perched-on-a-plastic-piston outfits worn by the #Sochi2014 nation escorts will be the fashion come year 2050. 2014-02-07
  • While teaching myself Windows services, I fondly recall writing one that always replaced the contents of the clipboard with "Fahrvergnügen." 2014-02-07