Blustery Day Comfort Food Recipes from my Bachelor Youth

On a chill and drizzly September afternoon, there's nothing better than a steaming home-cooked meal enjoyed next to a warm wood stove. Barring that, you could try one of these recipes, concocted while I was a gangly university student, unconcerned with sodium, cholesterol, or pretty much anything resembling nutrition.

Glop on Rice

Empty the contents of a can of condensed cream of mushroom soup into a pot and heat. For the love of God, don't add water. Instead, add frozen peas. More than you think you really should. Then scrape in a can of tuna, leftover cooked chicken, or the contents of a random can of Maple Leaf Flakes of Carcass.

Once hot, pile on top of a bed of rice. You're not serving this to guests -- are you? -- so go ahead and use Minute Rice. Sprinkle with freshly cracked pepper.

Tortellini Casserole

Fry up equal amounts of spicy Italian pork sausage and hamburger. Don't bother draining the grease. If there's time, add chopped onion, garlic, bell pepper, and mushroom, in that order. Then throw in a large can of spaghetti sauce.

Boil up a package of tortellini. Drain. Mix in with sauce. Pour the lot into a casserole dish and grate mozzarella on top. Just enough so that you can't see any sauce, or only half of that if you're lactose-intolerant. Toss in the oven with the dial at the eight-o'clock position until the cheese melts and starts going a little brown, or until the next commercial break. Sprinkle with freshly cracked pepper.

French Toast

Add as many eggs as you can hold in one hand, three glugs of milk, and a dash of vanilla extract -- as much as you can without someone noticing that you've stolen their good vanilla for your lousy toast -- to a high-rimmed dish. If you're cooking before 11am, add some sugar or maple syrup. Quickly throw in slices of slightly stale white bread or buns and then fry in butter. Serve with powdered sugar or more syrup. Do not -- and I can't stress this enough -- sprinkle with freshly cracked pepper.

Egg Drop Glop

Ah, the King of Glops. After this feast, you won't be hungry until the nineteenth of the month.

Prepare a normal can of condensed chicken noodle soup with water. Once boiling, crack in three or four raw eggs and pierce the yolks. Stir, and continue boiling until the liquid looks cloudy or threatens to puff up out of the pot. Add one entire clip of crushed unsalted-top saltine crackers. Thoroughly mix everything together. Remove from heat and allow to congeal. Sprinkle with freshly cracked pepper.

Consume directly from the pot and take a nap; you're not going anywhere.